Monday, January 20, 2014


We should use great caution before contacting any sexual partners we used in our addiction. Old partners, with no ill will, can easily derail our recovery. We must stay safe from any situation where we can possibly lose the freedom we have gained. If God wants us to see former lovers, He will arrange it in a way where we can be safe.

And while it may not be wise to contact old partners directly, we can begin to make amends to them by assisting people who essentially represent them in some way. For example, changing our attitude toward women in general and giving all women dignified respect is a great beginning. Letting go of our memories of sexual conquest and our fantasies is a great place to start in making amends to former partners. When no longer seeing women as objects for amusement and pleasure, and by redirecting our minds by praying for those held hostage in our memories and fantasies, the power our memories and fantasies have had on us in the past will begin to lose its grip. When we face a provocative situation, or remember an exciting experience from the past, we pray for the people we have held captive in these fantasies and memories. We pray for their health, their safety, and for their happiness. We pray they would experience the fulfillment of their most sincere hopes and dreams. When doing this consistently, we developed healthier ways to deal with troubling thoughts and memories and with the spontaneous stimulations that once drove us to do things we would later regret. By making amends to specific women, and by making amends to those whom we will never or cannot ever see again, we partner with God in retraining our instincts and this allows us to view women more humanly — and interact with them in a new more wholesome way.

When we acknowledge the God-given beauty inside of all women, we see past the delightful and sometimes overwhelming distraction of a woman’s beautiful body, seeing her as God sees her. Women are not only beautiful, they are free, independent and autonomous creatures, created to live free from the sexualized pressure we unknowingly create when we only see them for their sexual attractiveness. We do not need to "have" women. We can enjoy them as friends.

This is an excerpt from WHEN LOST MEN COME HOME, not for men only 
~ Copyright David Zailer, 2011

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