Wednesday, May 29, 2013

A DEEPER POINT OF VIEW - from Our Journey Home

We continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.

Living then, as every one of you does, in pure grace, it's important that you not misinterpret yourselves as people who are bringing this goodness to God. No, God brings it all to you. The only accurate way to understand ourselves is by what God is and by what he does for us, not by what we are and what we do for him. Romans 12:3, The Message

“God asks no man whether he will accept life. This is not the choice. You must take it. The only question is how.”
- Henry Ward Beecher

A Deeper Point of View

Being sober from our addictions is a wonderful thing. It is what we wanted when we first started this recovery journey of ours. But, as God leads us through all the puddles, lakes, and oceans of life, He will invariably lead us into new and uncharted waters. Shallow waters are for children. Let us continue to grow, let us reach out and swim for the deep waters.

What do we think when we think about ourselves?

What are the things that we value the most?

How is our identity shaped by the things we value?

Do our possessions and priorities keep us from experiencing God’s deeper fellowship?

Do our relationships keep us from relating to God at the most intimate level?

What personal qualities do we have that we know we should change?

How do we rely on our talents to make us acceptable to people and to God?

What do we want that conflicts with God’s ideal for our lives?

Are there interests in our lives that are questionable or inappropriate?

Do we use our ministry, or our service to others as a way of expressing our goodness?

Why do we feel the need to prove our goodness?

Are we more devoted to what we think we should be than we are devoted to what God is making us into?

Questions like these help us to look beyond our addictions and gain a deeper view into our internal character. The more we are willing to let go and change, the more we will experience God’s power changing us on the inside. As we are willing to let go of our subtle idolatries, our perceptions about them will change and our interest in them will disappear. We will discover that the discouragement and the disillusionment that we feel from time to time are not really bad things. They can actually be good for us because they reveal how we have loved ourselves and our lives, or even our own devotion to Jesus, more than we have loved Jesus Himself.

God’s promise of new life is a promise of Himself and the Life that He is. The only eternal promise that He makes is that we will have Him forever. In the end only He will remain. Everything else will pass away. As we learn to be content with Jesus and Jesus alone, we will receive increasing joy amidst the discouragement and sadness that comes our way.

This is an excerpt from Our Journey Home - Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery, Copyright David Zailer, 2011

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SAYING GOODBYE TO SECRETS - from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only

Saying Goodbye to Secrets
 
When we are ready to accept the grace God and others have for us, our secrets become like broken kindling which help build warming fires of joy and comfort for us and those around us. Isolation becomes joyful fellowship. It is replaced with relational assurance and confidence. Not like the temporary, intoxicating feelings our addictions gave us, but a deep, profound sense of goodness, openness and oneness with God and the world He created. When we say goodbye to our secrets, we become honest and free men. We grow to become more like Jesus.
 
We hide what we know or feel ourselves to be (which we assume to be unacceptable and unlovable) behind some kind of appearance which we hope will be more pleasing. We hide behind pretty faces which we put on for the benefit of our public. And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty faces is what we really look like.
Simon Tugwell, The Beatitudes: Soundings in Christian Traditions
 
            For me, admitting my faults was like a desperate grasp for life, because the life I had been building with my secrets had been killing me. For others in Operation Integrity, it was more of a powerful claim for personal freedom. In either case, it is a breaking away from the secrets and addictions which deceived and buried us ever deeper into a world of increasing self-deception and isolation. Getting real with God and another person is an opportunity to receive supernatural help and human assistance together. It is our personal way of reaching out, revealing ourselves — confronting, exposing and then ultimately accepting the faker-impostor that’s lived inside of us. Allowing others to know us thoroughly brings us into humble alignment with God, Who will delightfully breathe life into the true and honest person we hope to become. By getting real and being honest, we make ourselves available to be loved.

This is an excerpt from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only copyright, david zailer 2012


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Wednesday, May 22, 2013

LIFE LIBERATED - from Our Journey Home

We made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Pay all your debts, except the debt of love for others. You can never finish paying that! If you love your neighbor, you will fulfill all the requirements of God's law.
Romans 13:8, NIV

“Honest men fear neither the light nor the dark.”
- Thomas Fuller, M.D.

Life Liberated

Learning to love ourselves the way that God loves us will give us an ever increasing freedom to live our lives. This freedom to live is not just a freedom from our addictions; it is a fully liberated life that begins on the inside of us and then it moves out into all of the ways that we express ourselves. The liberty that God gives is not subject to the limitations and demands that we experience in our day-to-day lives, and while this freedom is bigger than our everyday lives, it does not make us immune to feeling fear when we are faced with uncertainty. God gives the kind of freedom and liberty that empowers and equips us to act with courage even in the face of uncertainty, when we feel fear. And, in the same way, we may feel pain but we can act with kindness even when feeling pain. The gift and responsibility of freedom is most evident when we address the negative consequences we’ve created, and when we make amends to those who have been hurt by the way we’ve lived in the past. When speaking with those to whom we owe amends, we will want to share with them that we recognize that we have had an addiction, that we know that our past actions have been hurtful and that we want to make things right to the best of our ability. Sharing the facts of our addictions and our mistakes in a general way allows us to communicate with others from a standpoint of humility and honesty. We don’t have to share every gory and ugly detail with them. We don’t need to air out all of our dirty laundry either. This is not about the past; it is about the present and about the future. We should only share what will be helpful to them and to others. Being forthright in this way, we begin to establish healthier communication with those that we’ve hurt. It will also help to put them at ease and it will put us in a place where we can more effectively make the amends that we need to make. Sharing in this way will also open the door for others to honestly share their feelings with us. Dialogue must be an honest two-way street. We must be willing to listen – honestly and openly listen -- in order to understand how we have hurt them and what we need to do to help them.

Some amends can and should be made face-to-face. Some can never be made directly. Others will have to be postponed for a better time. We’ll be of little benefit to anyone, if in our attempts to clear our own conscience, we offer ourselves as sacrificial lambs. We should consult with our sponsors and our counselors about situations where we face serious consequences. We never want to run away from the reality of our past mistakes but we also do not want to be shortsighted, disregarding our current relationships or responsibilities in an attempt to be a hero to the past. Our sponsors and counselors helped us to know how to handle each situation. When we face situations where people demand certain answers from us that we do not want to give, we consult with our sponsors and counselors. Sometimes a three-way meeting between us, our victim and our counselors is necessary for things to get going in the right direction. There is rarely a good reason to hurry. It is far better to do recovery well than to do it fast!

An excerpt from Our Journey Home - Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery, Copyright David Zailer, 2011

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A NEW AND BETTER WORLD, from when Lost Men Come Home, not for men only

A New and Better World

 
My part in the recovery process required me to become more honest with myself, God and other people. This was a slow and difficult process, but as I did it, I began to experience a new closeness with friends and a respect for myself that I had never had before. This new way of relating to others felt strange in the beginning, but it also felt good. It was like I was being baptized into a new and better world. By admitting my faults and vulnerabilities to people who could understand and empathize with my experience, I was able to rise above the sense of condemnation I learned as a child. 

            The ‘getting honest’ part of my recovery work transformed my self-disgust into a compassionate regard for myself and my own life experience. Allowing other people to know my mistakes and vulnerabilities helped me experience the relational acceptance I needed. Listening without judgment or criticism, they modeled to me the grace and acceptance I didn’t get at home. This lightened the burden of shame and guilt I felt, which encouraged me to become even more honest still. But there was more to this experience. I started to feel lightness in my heart, and even, at times, found humor in the things that once threatened my health and my safety. I could accept and laugh at myself like never before. I was on a new path which was leading me out of isolation and fear of the past to a newfound sense of wholeness and honest friendship with others. This honest and transparent way of recovery brought me authentic, burden-bearing friendships I previously thought were not going to be possible for someone like me.

 “You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are – no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”

Matthew 5:5 MSG

This is an excerpt from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only copyright, david zailer 2012


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Tuesday, May 14, 2013

MOVING FORWARD, BACK INTO RELATIONSHIP from Our Journey Home





 

We made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6, NIV


“Until you conquer the fear of being an outsider, an outsider you will remain."
- C.S. Lewis, The Weight of Glory

Moving Forward, Back into Relationship

We are going to make more and more amazing discoveries as we continue to make a list of the people we have harmed. One of these discoveries will be when we realize how incredible it is that there is anyone who loves us at all, considering the way that we have treated others in the past. However, at the same time, as we face the facts of our self-centeredness in more realistic ways, we will also learn that we have always been loved far more than we could ever understand, because of God and the love He has shown to us. Recognizing our depraved nature in contrast to God’s forgiving love enlightens us to a new way of thinking and operating. Fear becomes displaced by courage. Our relationships are affected for the better. We can positively relate with others today in ways that would have been impossible before because of our fear of being hurt and rejected. But, there is a new kind of power inside of us now. The life we live is no longer our own. God, through His love, has taken us over.

Following through with the change that is happening inside of us, we begin to treat people differently, respectfully. The first thing we must do to make amends to others is to stop hurting them. In the past we treated others the way they treated us, but now we will treat others the way God has treated us -- respectfully; whether they deserve it or not. What others do to us and how they treat us is much less important now. We hope that others will give us love and respect, but if not, we won’t need to get upset, retaliate or fall into self-pity anymore. Our desire is to simply love others with the same love that we have received from God and others. We don’t have to manufacture this love, we just pass it along. We share what we have been given. Thinking in this way helps us to set aside our fears of rejection; then we will be able to do for others what God, our sponsors and our counselors have done for us.

Motivated by the love we have discovered, coupled with the commitment to change the generational patterns that our families have developed, we set some boundaries for ourselves and we accept boundaries that others place on us. Then, we take these next steps forward. First, we became willing to make amends to those we hurt -- unconditionally. Second, we became willing to recognize and accept healthy limitations and to make “living amends” by the way that we relate to others in the future. Hopefully we have learned not to profess our “good intentions.” We don’t make promises, especially promises that we cannot guarantee. Instead, let us make good actions and let those actions speak for us.

If we ever refuse an opportunity to make a wrong right, we shut the doors and windows of the spiritual home that God is building within us. Nothing gets in and nothing gets out. Darkness begins to close in and we will miss the leading of God’s Spirit. Without the benefit of God’s Spirit leading us, we will inevitably create more of the chaos that we are trying to avoid.

So, let us take what we have learned and move it from our head to our heart and from our heart to our feet, where relationships are renewed step by step. With our feet of action placed firmly on God and a supportive recovery fellowship, we will find the stability that we need to make our lives, and the lives of others, change for the better.

Everybody wins!

from Our Journey Home - Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery -- By David Zailer Copyright David Zailer, 2011
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SAYING GOODBYE TO SECRETS - from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only

Saying Goodbye to Secrets


When we are ready to accept the grace God and others have for us, our secrets become like broken kindling which help build warming fires of joy and comfort for us and those around us. Isolation becomes joyful fellowship. It is replaced with relational assurance and confidence. Not like the temporary, intoxicating feelings our addictions gave us, but a deep, profound sense of goodness, openness and oneness with God and the world He created. When we say goodbye to our secrets, we become honest and free men. We grow to become more like Jesus.

 
We hide what we know or feel ourselves to be (which we assume to be unacceptable and unlovable) behind some kind of appearance which we hope will be more pleasing. We hide behind pretty faces which we put on for the benefit of our public. And in time we may even come to forget that we are hiding, and think that our assumed pretty faces is what we really look like.
Simon Tugwell, The Beatitudes: Soundings in Christian Traditions

 
            For me, admitting my faults was like a desperate grasp for life, because the life I had been building with my secrets had been killing me. For others in Operation Integrity, it was more of a powerful claim for personal freedom. In either case, it is a breaking away from the secrets and addictions which deceived and buried us ever deeper into a world of increasing self-deception and isolation. Getting real with God and another person is an opportunity to receive supernatural help and human assistance together. It is our personal way of reaching out, revealing ourselves — confronting, exposing and then ultimately accepting the faker-impostor that’s lived inside of us. Allowing others to know us thoroughly brings us into humble alignment with God, Who will delightfully breathe life into the true and honest person we hope to become. By getting real and being honest, we make ourselves available to be loved.

This is an excerpt from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only copyright, david zailer 2012





Thursday, May 9, 2013

Ever wonder where God is?

Do you ever question wear God is in the ups and downs of your life? Let this picture lend some persepctive.
Do you ever question wear God is in the ups and downs of your life? Let this picture lend some persepctive.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

MILLIE ANN'S STORY - from Our Journey Home

We humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

The LORD directs the steps of the godly. He delights in every detail of their lives. Though they stumble, they will never fall, for the LORD holds them by the hand.
Psalm 37:23,24, NLT


“As you discover your faults and sins, make no effort in your own strength to overcome them. This is a waste of time! Rather, abandon yourself immediately to God. Only He is able to destroy in you all that displeases Him.”
- Jeanne Guyon, Intimacy with Christ

Millie Ann’s Story

It seems like I make the best discoveries when I am going through the toughest times. As a result of one particular issue that has repeatedly brought tough times to me, I’ve come to realize how God can help me to better deal with all of the difficulties that I suffer.

For years I had been working myself into a frenzy over my inability to handle my finances. Now I want you to know that I make a good income and I have always known that there is no good reason for me to run out of money. However, time after time I would overspend and have to borrow money to make ends meet. This happened numerous times and every time I would end up in great despair, feeling isolated and hopeless about ever overcoming my bad habits and problems related to money. I can’t count how many times I promised to do better and to change, but the harder I tried the worse things got for me. Each day I was feeling more inadequate. I seriously doubted my ability to manage my own life. I was becoming ever more desperate.

Then one day, when I was quietly considering my situation, I realized that I was dealing with a very serious character defect. I had never thought of my problem in this way before. I had always thought that I could solve this problem as long as I worked hard enough or smart enough. But when I started to think of my problem in terms of a character defect I realized that I could never solve this problem on my own. It was, at the very least, bigger than me. I knew that I had to turn myself over to God in a more profound and personal way, otherwise this character defect would continue to rule me, ultimately destroying my and my daughter’s future.

My sponsor from AA led to me Christ when I was about 6 months sober. While I had grown up attending church with my family, I had never known Christ as anything more than someone the priest talked about at Mass. The Christ I came to know by way of my sponsor was someone who had an interest in me and someone who I believed would want to be with me all of the time. Now, in turning over this most desperate problem that lived so deep within me, I felt like I wanted Christ to move into me in an ever deeper way in order to get rid of this deeply-rooted character defect. Later that same day I went into my bedroom and I got down on my knees beside my bed and prayed (pleading and begging was more like it) for Christ to take away this horribly defective part of my character. As I prayed I began to experience a very quiet sense of relief. Obviously nothing had changed in that moment except for maybe me. I knew that I did not have to bear this burden by myself anymore. I knew that God was going to be with me and He was going to help me. This made a world of difference.

Over the next few weeks I began to think a little differently about my problem. I began to see money differently too. I realized that I had always been afraid of the responsibility of money and I had always been scared of success. Not wanting to be scared anymore, I started to look around for someone who could help me learn to better manage my income and finances. Remembering that someone once told me that prayer without action is a waste of time, I enrolled in a credit counseling program that was free of charge. The people at this program helped me to develop a budget that was workable, one that did not put my back up to the wall. I made no promises to anyone, not even to myself. My only commitment was to continue to surrender my character defect and my fear to God and to act in accordance with the guidance given to me by my credit counselor. It took over two years but I finally got all of my credit cards paid off and I have begun saving money in the hopes of buying a home for me and my daughter.

My life is now marked by an increasing number of surrenders. Most are more subtle than the surrender I made over money. I have gained a greater appreciation for Christ and I believe more strongly than ever in His love and compassion for me. Life for me is far from perfect. I am, after all, a single mother who spent much of her life living wrongly and there are still consequences for my failures. But, right in the midst of the hardships of my life, I know that the power of God is always available to me as long as I ask Him for His help and I surrender my will to His.



This is an excerpt from Our Journey Home, copyright, 2011, David Zailer

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GETTING REAL WITH OTHERS - from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only

Getting Real with Others
 For forty years I lived in isolation. Raised in a large metropolitan area surrounded by thousands, if not millions of people, I learned to exist alone in the world. I had grown to prefer my life that way because I had never known any other way. It was the way of my family. The rule in my family was that weakness, when exposed, would be ridiculed, if not punished. And from this example, I grew up believing I was entitled to my selfishness as long as I kept it veiled behind a veneer of politeness, civility and “christian” respectability. By the time I was an adolescent, I was a master of avoiding my problems and any people or situations that could expose my shortcomings or the loneliness I felt inside. I feared others. I doubted my worth. I had no confidence in my upbringing. I survived and existed. My life was a living hell.
            I was 41 years old when I got help from others and began stopping my addictions, which was a big step in the right direction. But, in addition to stopping my destructive way of life, I also needed to learn how to come out of the isolation I had learned as a child, to live in a real world of real people, and have real relationships with them. I’m not sure which felt worse: the painful experience of detoxing from drugs and alcohol or the experience of getting honest about myself with others. 
 
A New and Better World
My part in the recovery process required me to become more honest with myself, God and other people. This was a slow and difficult process, but as I did it, I began to experience a new closeness with friends and a respect for myself that I had never had before. This new way of relating to others felt strange in the beginning, but it also felt good. It was like I was being baptized into a new and better world. By admitting my faults and vulnerabilities to people who could understand and empathize with my experience, I was able to rise above the sense of condemnation I learned as a child. 
            The ‘getting honest’ part of my recovery work transformed my self-disgust into a compassionate regard for myself and my own life experience. Allowing other people to know my mistakes and vulnerabilities helped me experience the relational acceptance I needed. Listening without judgment or criticism, they modeled to me the grace and acceptance I didn’t get at home. This lightened the burden of shame and guilt I felt, which encouraged me to become even more honest still. But there was more to this experience. I started to feel lightness in my heart, and even, at times, found humor in the things that once threatened my health and my safety. I could accept and laugh at myself like never before. I was on a new path which was leading me out of isolation and fear of the past to a newfound sense of wholeness and honest friendship with others. This honest and transparent way of recovery brought me authentic, burden-bearing friendships I previously thought were not going to be possible for someone like me.
 
“You’re blessed when you’re content with just who you are – no more, no less. That’s the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can’t be bought.”
Matthew 5:5 MSG
 

This is an excerpt from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men onlycopyright, david zailer 2012

Wednesday, May 1, 2013

REVERSING THE PAST - from Our Journey Home

We became entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

I'm single-minded in pursuit of you; don't let me miss the road signs you've posted. I've banked your promises in the vault of my heart so I won't sin myself bankrupt. Be blessed, GOD; train me in your ways of wise living. Psalm 119:10-12 The Message

“When our desire is focused on loving God and others, we will realize our deepest longings for life fulfilled." - An Anonymous Recovering Alcoholic



Reversing the Past

None of us will ever eliminate our character defects on our own, no matter how hard we try. While it is not possible for us to remove our character defects on our own, we can learn to change the way we think, the way we act and the way we live our lives. Letting go of character defects is never passive. Like everything else we do in recovery, character change requires action. Personal growth and change is a divine interaction between God’s grace and our choices. When we change our actions, we interrupt habitual patterns of thinking, believing and feeling. Motion changes emotion!

If we are willing to change, we will not make the same mistakes time after time. It takes some practice, but with a little commitment and a few failures (which we will want to share with another person), the changes to the way we think, the way we feel and the way we act will begin to come quite quickly. People from religious backgrounds call this repentance and that’s exactly what it is. Grassroots, down and dirty, rubber meets the road repentance. The simplest definition of repentance is to “change one’s mind.” It’s an about face. Turning and going in the other direction. Whatever you call it, it works.

Scripture offers an overwhelming abundance of practical insight and guidance for those of us who are looking for renewal and strength. There are some things that just cannot be said any better than the way Scripture has already said it.

“And so I insist – and God backs me up on this – that there be no going along with the crowd, the empty- headed, mindless crowd. They’ve refused for so long to deal with God that they’ve lost touch not only with God but with reality itself. They can’t think straight anymore. Feeling no pain, they let themselves go in sexual obsession, addicted to every sort of perversion. But that’s no life for you! You learned Christ! My assumption is that you have paid careful attention to him, been well instructed in the truth precisely as we have it in Jesus. Since then, we do not have the excuse of ignorance, everything – and I do mean everything – connected with that old way of life has to go. It’s rotten through and through. Get rid of it! And then take on an entirely new way of life – a God-fashioned life, a life renewed from the inside working itself into your conduct as God accurately reproduces his character in you.” Ephesians 4:19 - 23 The Message

Any questions?


An excertp from Our Journey Home - Insights and Inspirations for Christian Twelve Step Recovery By David Zailer Copyright David Zailer, 2011

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FOCUS ON YOUR INVENTORY - from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men only

Focus on Your Inventory

During this process, you may find yourself obsessing over damage done to you by other people. I admit I did on many occasions. Others may have caused profound harm to you, but for now, it is essential that you concentrate on your own mistakes, and not on the mistakes of others. This is your inventory, no one else’s. You are responsible for your recovery and changing your life. Let others work out their own problems with God just as you and I are doing. Their personal problems are not our job and certainly none of our business. Any resentment you have should be listed and cataloged as part of your inventory. You can discuss them with your sponsor or mentor at the appropriate time.

            My recovery partners and I approached our personal moral inventories in different ways. But there were some common characteristics. We each faced some tough questions posed to us by our sponsors and other people who were helping us in our recovery. Then we wrote about ourselves in journals, noting our responses to the questions asked. Personally, I found recovery workbooks quite helpful. We wrote about our family history and any memories of our families which we thought were important, writing down every thought, memory and feeling the best we could. We wrote about the people who harmed us. We wrote about the people we harmed. We wrote a great deal about our sexual experiences, why we did the things we did, and how we felt when we were doing them, and how we felt after doing them. We wrote about love, what we desired for love to be like and how we may have been disappointed by those we loved. We wrote it all. We wrote everything. Here are some of the questions that we asked ourselves:

·        What are you angry about and why?

·        How have others hurt you?

·        Who hurt you? Was it parents, family members, people from church or school, neighbor, enemy, friend?

·        What or whom are you afraid of?

·        Do you remember your first sexual experience? What was it?

·        How old were you when you began the behaviors that turned into your sexual addiction?

·        How have you violated your own sexual ethics?

·        When did you first think you may be addicted sexually?

·        How have your sexually addictive behaviors increased over time?

·        How have you violated or objectified others sexually, personally or socially?

·        How have your sexually addictive behaviors impacted your spouse, your children, your health and your career?

·        How have you violated or objectified yourself?

·        How have you abused those weaker than you?

·        How have you been greedy?

·        How have you been selfish?

·        How have you been a hypocrite religiously, sexually or socially?

·        How have you expressed unwarranted pride?

·        How have you manipulated others and your own thinking through self-pity?

·        When and why do you feel self-pity?

·        Why are you willing to sacrifice long-term health and sanity for short-term gratification?

·        How and why have you minimized your mistakes and addictions?

·        How have you exaggerated your successes?

·        Have you minimized your successes? Why?

·        What do you like about yourself?

·        What do you not like about yourself?

·        What do others like about you?

·        How have you blamed others for your difficulties?

·        What do you feel guilty about?

·        Is there anything that you are intentionally avoiding? What is it?

·        Are you, or about what are you procrastinating regarding your inventory?

·        Why do you lie?
    
            I spent about a week, working every day, setting aside a specific time each day to do my work. Daily, I asked God to help me to move through whatever fear and trepidation I was feeling at the time. It helped me to start with recent events and the things that were most troublesome to me. The more I wrote, the more I remembered and the more clarity grew within me. After a few days I actually began to enjoy the experience of making my inventory. I certainly wouldn’t say it was fun, but the working commitment to my own recovery coupled with a sense of courageous accomplishment produced gratitude within me. 

            As I honestly answered these kinds of questions, I found myself becoming more open to God, and having a strength I had never known before. Amidst my honest open and willing search, God was making it possible for me to address and begin resolving my issues once and for all. I had a sense that my failures and shortcomings could now be rehabilitated, reinvested and transformed into wonderful assets.

             If you sense anger when writing, write about it. If you sense fear, write about it.  If you feel resentment, write it down. Write everything down so that your sponsor/mentor and counselor can talk it over with you — face-to-face. We don’t need to be perfect by any means, but we do need to do the best we possibly can.

            As we learn to understand the real facts about ourselves, we begin to grasp a real worldview of who we are and how we have hurt ourselves and those around us. And this makes us ready to change. We also begin to let our resentments go, realizing that, with God’s help, it’s possible that we can forgive every person who has hurt us, starting with forgiving ourselves. Resentment kills sex addicts. In forgiveness, we release ourselves from the hurts others caused us. And, procrastination delays the forgiveness that leads to freedom. This is why lollygaggers don’t recover from sexual addiction.

To forgive is to set a prisoner free, and to discover all along the prisoner was you.
Corrie ten Boom

This is an excerpt from When Lost Men Come Home, not for men onlycopyright, david zailer 2012