Wednesday, December 26, 2012


Trying Harder Can Make Things Worse

I grew up attending a large denominational church and many others in our fellowship maintained long and serious commitments to church and family. On the other hand, a number of us came from no particular religious faith; some even considered themselves agnostic or atheist when they first came to our fellowship.

            Regardless of the religious position I claimed, my secrets, my addictions and my compulsions increased anyway. Destruction began to overtake my mind, my life and all that I was as a human being. More and more I became obsessed with the sexual conquest of women, focusing less and less on the important things in my life. I was increasingly obsessive about sex while working harder and harder to overcome the out-of-control way I felt about my life. Addiction was taking my mind away from me. Mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I was being choked lifeless while I claimed to be in control. Repeatedly I made commitments to stop. But, I was losing touch with reality as I professed commitments and recommitments to God, to religious practice, to my family and to myself. I tried and failed again and again and again. No matter how much I tried, my best efforts always ended in failure. No amount of self-determination, effort or religious activity protected me from my addicted compulsions. No matter how hard I tried, I found no effective plan, method or power to permanently overcome my obsessions, or the shame that always followed them. The harder I tried, the worse things got.
from When Lost Men Come Home - not for men only
copyright 2012, David Zailer

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