Every day I realize how powerless I am — in my own power that is — to find the freedom that my soul longs for. Having said that, I do have days when I feel tremendous freedom, abandoning my old self-destructive ways and enjoying life’s goodness to the fullest. There are other days, though, when I feel that at any moment I may catapult myself into a darkness that far exceeds my own ability to escape. Sometimes, sexual addiction assaults me with a conflict of mind, spirit and body, brutalizing me at the very core of who I am. Can you relate to this?
Those of us who have struggled with repeated patterns of sexually destructive behavior and who are honest with ourselves know this powerlessness, though we often have trouble admitting it. Recognizing and admitting personal powerlessness and insufficiency regarding an addiction is a fundamental principle that must be accepted deeply before anyone will find recovery and change for themselves and their life. Just like being an alcoholic, the solution starts with admitting we have a problem. Personally, I almost died in depression and shame before I accepted this simple truth. And I know of others who, even after countless failures, continue to claim confidence in themselves alone. It seems to me like they die a little more every day.
Without the benefit of honestly recognizing and admitting my addictions, my self-confidence was a liability to me. However, when I got honest about the true condition of my life, I could no longer avoid the reality of my sexual addiction. I could see that I was trapped in a progressing and accelerating downward spiral. My failures were personal and profound, born from the deepest places within me. My life was getting worse, never better.
from When Lost Men Come Home - not for men only
copyright 2012, David Zailer